Monday, August 15, 2005

Today I am goin to write a story.

And my story is entitled "Exes Anonymous"

Today I saw Jasmine's ghost for the 1st time. May be I should call it her doppelganger1. But ghost seems more appropriate, though it's not exactly the right words to us, since Jasmine's still alive.

Though not for me. She's dead to me. I dont want to sound melodramatic, but it's true; to me, for me, she's dead. And i am grieving for her. So in a nut shell, it was her ghost. And it felt like a haunting.

In the 1st split second I saw Jasmine, her image, and i suddenly felt light headed. It was the exact sensation i imagine the characters feel in the movies when a ghost walks through them.

Eveything in your body must shift, like a strong wind blowing through our bones and blood and organs, a shudder of spectral energy.

Horribly unpleasant.

I cant think how I would feel if I saw Jasmine with a guy.


People always throw that word around too lightly.

But I would want to blow my brains out over her and her new guy.

Have them showering for days to get rid of me. Chips of my blood and bone caught in their hair.

Even so, I would ocassionally squeeze my memory as if it were a muscle, wringing out every last drop of Jasmine's face and hair and body, tryin to raise the dead.

It was an awful guilty pleasure.

Human beings are perverse.

There's nothing they want as much as what they cant have.

I'm no better.

Look at Jasmine, how much I wanted her- still want her - because i knew, in the end, she was unattainable.

I am what the shrinks2 would call "fully functional".

I go to work. Hang out with my friends. Go shopping.

And yet I am not really there. I detach myself from it all.

I get myself out of bed every morning, feed myself and send my body and brain off to the office, while the real me, my soul is curled up in bed in a tight foetal knot, crying my heart out.

All I have left are my memories of Jasmine. If those fade, I will have nothing left; I will be completely alone. Because seeing Jasmine in the street, in a resturant, whenever I close my eyes. .

Everytime any of those things happen, she's so close to me in that moment that i cannot truly feel alone.

Which , of course, would be the worst thing of all...


1:"Doppelganger" is German for "double walker" - a shadow self that is thought to accompany every person.

2: Shrink, a american slang for psychiatrist

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